Fish Fumet or...It's a Snap with Snapper

Culinary Skills Class last night found us making a version of a fish stock used as a poaching liquid called fish fumet. Making fish stock is pretty much the same thing as making any other stock with the exception of it taking less time and it uses fish. To describe the experience briefly, it's like spending a good hour in sweltering heat on the Jersey Shore at low tide. It's not pretty.

We were put into groups of three or four with one of us designated as the group's Sous Chef who'd be dealing with the Chef during the lesson. I was placed with two other people and designated our Sous chef. Our first activity was to watch the Chef demo how to clean a leek. When the Chef announced this, several of my classmates looked horrified....they apparently only knew of one type of leek and it wasn't a vegetable. I must have looked like I was trying to control a seizure while trying to keep from laughing when I saw the relief on their faces as they slowly realized cleaning a leek didn't require a trip to the potty. We also learned how to make sachet bags, bouquet garni and the proper technique to clean a mushroom. Armed with new culinary tricks, we went back to our groups to prepare our stocks. (Some were fortunate to have been tasked with vegetable stock as opposed to fish).

I delegated out our ingredients or "mis en place" which left me getting the five pounds of fish bones. (OK, not to get off on a tangent but, whenever I hear the word bones in class the song about "Dem Bones, Dem Bones, Gonna...Walk Around" comes into my head and won't leave. Anyway...)So, off I go in search of dead fishy goodness when the chef emerges from the walk-in fridge with a tray of cleaned fish. It's sort of funny looking to see a fish with it's head in tact, body cleaned of 99% of it's meat and a full tale. I was reminded of a poodle groomed for a dog show. BIG HEAD - little body - BIG TAIL. So, my task was five pounds of these little stink-pots. The only fish still recognizable to me was the red snapper. (OK, I'm not the Naughty Chef for nothing... the word snapper makes me giggle. When I go to a restaurant and snapper is on the menu, I have to ask the waiter or waitress if their Snapper is fresh. Admit it, you laughed.) So, I pick my least offensive snapper(s) and head back to my scale. Two were not enough, so, I went back to pick another freshly cleaned snapper. Five pounds exactly. However, as though the spirit of the dead snapper were still in the room and sensing my extreme amusement of their name, they retaliated in the only way possible. The top fins of a red snapper fan up and have sharp points at the end. Thinking I was being smart keeping my hands and fingers away from the mouth with the sharp teeth, I grabbed my snapper with what I thought was a safe grip. The little bastard punctured my thumb and made me bleed. Now it was on. One of my teammates asked if I needed help to which I said "NO! This is between ME...and my SNAPPER! With my thumb now covered in a blue band aid, I threw his scaly ass into a hot pot with the onions, butter and herbs!

As they began to cook, I can tell you, the low brow humor inside my classmates was quietly beginning. It stank. The various looks being shot from one another as they seemed to forget it was the fish causing the stench was pretty darn funny. All in all, from the confusion over the leek, hearing people being asked about the status of their "snapper" and my dirty mind, I thoroughly enjoyed class.